Toads and Diamonds

By Hailey Joy Scandrette

Note: When I tried to respond to the prompt on being a relational being this month, I was caught somewhat off-guard by my inability to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I’m very much in the midst of working through a lot vis a vis my relationship with relationships, so I’ve decided that the most vulnerability I can muster this month is sharing this poem I wrote earlier this year. 

Sometimes I throw pieces of myself at kind smiles,
desperately pleading “know me, know me, know me” under my breath,
and hoping that something will catch on a tooth or a nail
where it might be discovered and held gently.

Not to say I leave myself lying around.
There are fragments locked away in boxes,
and many more sealed away in envelopes
that I occasionally press into the hands of question askers and storytellers
with shaking fingers,
explanations rushing from my mouth like a river.

The idea that maybe this time I will be fathomable
makes my heart butterfly.

But usually question askers get paper cuts on envelopes
and their blood stains over the hastily scrawled notes of me.

And sometimes storytellers forget to be storyholders
and all of the puzzle pieces fall
and we can’t quite reach the ones that scattered under the couch.
So we sit on the carpet all night,
trying to put the picture together
without my right eye, the freckles on my arm, or the scar of my left shin.

There are days when I think I’m both of the sisters in the fairy tale,
with toads and diamonds falling from my lips every time I speak.
Like I’m never expected,
always too much or too little,
and they’re staring and wishing I’d stop spitting jewel-encrusted amphibians
onto the table before shoving them hastily into my pockets.

I don’t want to be a treasure hunt,
but warts and all is a terrifying way to ask for love.  

 

1011422_10153857559713000_7316683471716666265_nAuthor Bio: Hailey Joy Scandrette is a senior at San Francisco State University studying US History, and Counseling. When not ears deep in primary source analysis and note taking, she enjoys thrift shopping, writing, climbing trees, and going on long walks with her friends and family. She is passionate about social justice, living incarnationally, loving and serving others, and almost anything else that she has any opinion on.

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